Facing emotional betrayal, different people make different choices, but one thing is clear: some people move on, while others continue to suffer for many years. The difference is not due to their choices.
Those who can move on, whether they continue or end the marriage, must have something in common. If we can find this commonality, it will help us better deal with betrayal.
There may be many commonalities, but one of the most important is that those who can move on after experiencing betrayal are usually indifferent to emotions.
When this conclusion is put forward, many people may oppose it, but that’s the reality.
Opponents are, of course, proponents of “restoration theory.” They believe that a relationship that has experienced betrayal can be restored to its original state, or even deeper. However, this is somewhat unrealistic. Not divorcing does not mean the relationship has been fully restored. If willing to accept reality, a more objective conclusion should be: a marriage that has experienced betrayal is unlikely to return to what it once was.
The starting point of the “restoration theory” is still based on emotions. Therefore, under the “restoration theory,” people who have experienced betrayal are encouraged to invest more emotions in the relationship. If doubling the investment can restore the relationship, then it is worth it. But if it doesn’t work out? The result is that the more you invest, the more you hurt yourself. In other words, doubling the emotional investment has little effect when dealing with betrayal and does not solve your pain and problems.
To free yourself from the torment and suffering of a painful relationship, the fundamental method is to be indifferent and let go of emotions.
The reason why a person or thing can cause you pain is simply because of your care and attachment. The more you care, the easier it is to hurt yourself. This is a simple truth, but many people do not realize this underlying issue when facing emotions.
If, after experiencing emotional betrayal, you can be indifferent to emotions, then the pain will be greatly reduced. In fact, your pain is caused by your attachment to emotions.
Let’s look at this issue from the perspective of the betrayer. Why do betrayers betray? It’s not because they don’t know that betraying emotions is wrong, but because they don’t care about the relationship, that’s why they choose to betray. So, when betraying, they naturally won’t agonize over it. After betraying, they almost won’t feel guilty, because they don’t care, it doesn’t matter to them.
In many marriages that have experienced betrayal, there is a common situation: for the betrayed person, the other party is actually useless in life, providing neither emotional nor material benefits. But strangely, many people, faced with a useless partner, are still reluctant. Why? The reluctance is actually because of emotions, but these emotions are self-created. In other words, it’s not that you really have any feelings for them, but because you care too much about the emotions.
Caring about emotions is not a bad thing, but you have to see where you place your emotional attachment. If reality has clearly told you that you cannot place it in a certain relationship or person, then of course, you have to be indifferent and let go of the emotions you value in that relationship and person.
Why do we often say “learn to love yourself well” when talking about dealing with betrayal? One interpretation is to shift emotions from the other person to yourself; to place your emotional attachment back on yourself.
Why do we also say that after experiencing betrayal, you should learn to view marriage and emotions from the perspective of your entire life, and seek your own happiness outside of marriage and emotions? The reason is the same: to shift your own emotions outside of marriage. Of course, it doesn’t mean starting a new relationship, but rather, in work, friendships, children, and many other aspects, to place your emotions and find new emotional dependencies.
In short, regardless of whether your marriage continues or ends, after experiencing betrayal, being indifferent to and letting go of emotions is the most direct and effective way to free yourself and heal your pain.
Being indifferent or letting go does not make you unfeeling or unfaithful. Instead, it frees you from being bound by emotions and allows you to live more freely and at ease. Just as the Buddhists are indifferent to life and death but care for all living beings.